It’s the question everyone asks when you start talking weddings, “Are you taking their name?”
Rewind 20 years ago and, well the question wouldn’t even have been asked. But these days there are so many more options.
You can change your name, keep your name, hyphenate your names, or do what I did and pick a new surname altogether.
It’s quite a dilemma.
What’s in a name?
Taking your husband’s name goes back to the 15th century. When women were merely objects, pawns in a trade. It showed who owned you, much like how cattle are branded…only not as physical. ( sounds shit right ?!!!)
I fundamentally don’t like the idea of absorbing myself into another person’s name, ultimately all surnames are basically men’s names. Your maiden name is your dad’s, your married name is your husband’s…
So I have a bit of a problem with that, but I digress…
It’s a tradition that’s continued even after women got the vote and, in theory, equal rights. But does that mean it should still be the tradition?
For the couples I spend time with, names are often a discussion. It’s no longer a straightforward assumption that the woman is going to take the man’s name if indeed there is a man and a woman. So what do they do?
What are the options?
I want to preface this by saying, I entirely respect anyone’s choice to do whatever the heckins they like. Everyone’s situation is different and you have to do what works for you and your partner.
Because right now, there are so many options. You can keep your own name, you can change it, you can hyphenate, you can both take a new name. This really is your moment to do whatever the heck you want.
Taking one partner’s name
You could choose to take one partner’s name – and that doesn’t have to be the groom’s! Maybe you like the tradition of it, maybe it’s a cultural thing. But taking your partner’s name is still the default choice (for heterosexual relationships )
Keep your own
Unlike in the UK, in some European countries the idea of taking your husband’s surname is outrageous. Greece, France, Italy, Belgium and further afield like China and Korea women keep their name even once they’re married.
Perhaps you’ve established your career under your own name and you don’t want to jeopardise that so you’re championing your own name.
It’s your name, if you want to keep it then good for you.
Hyphenate
This is always the one that seems like a compromise. Why have one name when you can have two?! Hyphenating both names lets you both win; the only question is, will you both be hyphenating?
A ‘Team’ name
There is another option.
It’s one that my husband and I chose to do when we got hitched, and that’s to create your own surname.
I won’t bore you with the full back story (it’s a great story btw and a little scandalous so if you want the tea .. just ask !!) but what it boils down to is I wanted us to have the same name, I wanted us to be a team, to be united. BUT I didn’t want to just take Neil’s surname*. He would also have been happy to take mine but instead, we chose to start fresh.
So we picked his paternal grandmother’s surname. It’s a beautiful Cornish name, where his dad and family are from and means ‘homestead with a garden’ Lovely!!! It was pretty easy for us to decide this but I can imagine picking a new name out of thin air must be pretty flippin’ hard.
*My caveat here is if Neil had a banging surname then *maybe* I wouldn’t have hesitated….I’m a fickle feminist!
What about same-sex couples?
For many couples deciding what to do about names at least, there’s a precedent, even if it is shrouded in misogyny and female oppression. But for same-sex couples, there’s no road map about what to do or how it works.
So I talked to a few of my previous clients to ask what they decided to do.
For Becky and Linnea it was easy. Becky didn’t like her surname and Linnea’s Swedish surname was unpronounceable in English. So they took inspiration from a Doctor Who character and chose the surname Pond.
It wasn’t quite so simple for Hannah and Sophie. Neither wanted to take the other’s name so they decided to hyphenate and pick which came first by flipping a coin. Hannah lost, though did get her own back by registering the dog at the vet as Rumming-Giles instead of Giles-Rumming!
The future of names
My prediction about the great surname dilemma facing married couples is that anything is on the table. When we forget all the family tree, family drama, family honour line of thinking and focus on what’s best for the couple, it all comes back to flexibility.
Flexibility to stick, twist or start new.
So if you’re struggling with what to do about your surname after you’ve signed that piece of paper. The world is your oyster, just do what works for you.
If you want to know a bit more about my name check out this blog post HERE
